My (fake) SXSW press conference

Before we begin, I'd like to thank you all for coming. These past days have been very difficult for me and other SXSW Music attendees. I must be honest, it is difficult to watch the film and interactive attendees see so much joy while the rest of us must wait in stoic silence. I am personally ready to come out and ask the question that's on everyone's mind, when will SXSW Music finally show it's face?

Hold on... I've just been given the latest intelligence. Apparently the SXSW Music festival has been spotted and should arrive within the next 36 hours. Finally, some good news. Wait... I'm also being told... yes... the packet? Understood...

Tomorrow will mark the release of SXSW badges. Notice how I didn't qualify SXSW with the word "Music". That is because the film and interactive portions of SXSW are for pussies and will not be recognized here. True, some of my kin, the bloggers, attend interactive. However, they understand the chain of command. While interactive might be an incredible (boring) nerd fest that brings facebook, twitter, and all the iPhones in Austin to a crawl, the music festival is still THE event that rules them all. Oh, and "Film" can go back to Colorado... California... Bollywood... wherever it came from, and take Mr. Knowles with you! We all know that Harry is a fake after that Star Wars: Episode Two review. Anyone who liked that is a corporate whore... or possibly a cyborg... no... no... not possible... he must be a corporate whore shilling for those that let him see the movie early. Oh wait... that's obvious to EVERYONE.

Tomorrow, comrades, we will collect our badges, and more importantly, the promotional bag of crap that is waiting for us. While 90% of the bag correctly bares it's namesake (crap), there are sometimes jems... such as last year's Sgt. Solo. Let me take this moment to share with you all that Sgt. Solo still guards my work cubicle with the vigilance of a plastic army man charged with the orders to protect the occupant of the premicise at all costs.


I will now open the floor to Q&A.

Yes, you with the black eye shadow and spikey hair, what's your question? What was that? You want to know if I'lll attend the Metallica show on Friday?!?

Let me start by saying that the Metallica show may be the biggest show of the festival. If I completely dismissed this show, I'd be turning my back on pop culture and thus, the entire blogger community and everything that teenagers consider "cool". Unfortunately, I think Metallica is a bunch of old douchebags that are so scared of the future they try to destroy it. Well, wait... back up for a second... I would never call them douchbags to their faces. Not without the U.S. army between me and their devoted (and really scary) fans. But still, I think that their attitude towards digital music and the internet is slowly killing the music industry. For instance, what is the biggest innovation in music in the past 5 years? That would be the iPod. Think about it, the iPod wouldn't exist without Napster (or an equivalent technology). Let's think about that, a world withough MP3 players is a world that none of us want to even imagine. Metallica, embrace the fact that you need to make money off of music without directly selling it on a physical medium or you will die. Radiohead gets it. NiN gets it. The labels (which all have contracts with iTunes) get it. Why can't Metallica figure that out? Alright! Stop it! That was a rhetorical question, let's continue...

Next question.

What other rumors have I heard about SXSW performances? Well, let's see. Metallica is promoting they're Guitar Hero game, but we all know about that. Kanye West is playing the Fader Fort, count on it. Don't even get me started about ShitByJortsWest! Also, Pearl Jam will play a surprise show to promote their new album, and the Meat Puppets performance will be one long impromptu jazz session, showing their new artistic direction. Everything else is pretty much public knowledge, such as The Smiths' reunion on Maggie Mae's roof, etc.

That will be the last question, thank you all for coming. I look forward to seeing you all on Wednesday afternoon. (Please help protect me from the 'riod raging Metallica fans. I really didn't mean to piss them off and now fear for my life! Just kidding. They're all pussies.)

PS - Please don't make me appologize for calling Metallica and the're fans "pussies", it was obviously a joke. Besides, notice that my complete lack of creativity caused me to also call the film and interactive attendees "pussies". So get in line, right there behind Kevin Rose, he's first!